A lab in Tennessee cancelled a class that would have taught it’s scientists to get rid of their accents. Apparently even a Southern drawl can’t make “ebola” sound charming.
Harsh Reality
A cosplayer for San Diego Comic Con went on a train with a fake gun, fake grenades and a fake sword. He ended up with a very real cavity search.
Always Be Typing
A man kept a spreadsheet of all the times his wife rejected having sex with him. She responded with a list of her own with one item, “Always on computer.”
Awkward...
A New York City building is going to have a separate entrance for it’s poorer residents. Which will make things super awkward if someone is ever late with a rent check.
Built In Concussion Test
Tony Dungy says he wouldn’t have taken Michael Sam because of the distracting questions the team would get. Most football coaches are just glad to have players that aren’t too concussed to give answers.
Duck Tales
A small town in Ohio is trying to force a war Veteran into giving up his therapy ducks, which is the start of the cutest version of Rambo ever.
Always Looking
Edward Snowden revealed that NSA looks at your nude photos, turning “Big Brother” into “Creepy Uncle”.
Time Warp
Weird Al has a new hit record and the US is on the brink of war with Russia. Causing everyone to see if our calendars have been set back to the 80s.
Vegas Odds makers
Marvel announced that Thor will become a woman, then that Captain America will be black. Vegas is now taking odds on Marvel pulling the trifecta with Iron Man coming out.
Jeter Tribute
A new commercial from Nike show’s several athletes paying their respects to Derek Jeter. Suspiciously Alex Rodriguez wasn’t present, because it’s hard to tip your cap with a needle in your thigh.
Beggars Can't be Choosers
A man from Virginia claimed a spot of African desert so that he could make his daughter a princess. When she asked for a unicorn he taped a broom handle to a donkey.
Last Laugh
A two block stretch of NYC is being called George Carlin way. The stretch includes a Catholic church, causing Church officials to mutter seven dirty words to themselves.
Fifty Shades of Gryffindor
J.K. Rowling released a short story showing adult Harry Potter. Parents were surprised when the story was actually erotica.
Paid Attention In History Class
At one point yesterday, Germany was going to play either the country Anne Frank hid in or the country Nazis fled to which was made awkwardly apparent when an intern slipped it into an ESPN infographic.
Jack Does not Approve
Germany defeated Brazil 7-1 in the World Cup yesterday, a beating even Jack Bauer thought was overkill.
Kickstarter
A man raised over $30,000 on Kickstarter to make a potato salad. Correction: A man raised $25.95 to make a potato salad and $29,974.05 to prove that the Internet has failed.
Twinkle Twinkle..
Ukranian astronomers name star “Putin-hulio” (“Putin's a dick”). The Tea Party would try that with President Obama but don't believe in the “science” behind stars.
Isn't it Ironic
Turns out the Nazi propaganda photo for the perfect Aryan baby was actually a Jewish toddler inspiring a new darker version of Alanis Morissette’s “Ironic”.
4th of July!
Happy 4th of July, the Anniversary of American Freedom! Unless you’re Native American, Black, Japanese (for a while in the 40s), Hispanic, GLBT, or a woman!
Expermentation
Microsoft is running an XBOX commercial with voice commands that actually operate through your TV. They’re now experimenting with music that makes you buy a Zune.