New Year's Resolutions

It's New Year's time and for a lot of people it time to make promises they'll forget by March. So this year I figured I should make my comedy resolutions public so that when I remember I have this blog again 3 months I'll panic and really kick it into gear. Plus the goal conscious semi-ambitious part of me needs something to aim for.

Also, I'm trying to keep this list to things in my control. As much as "be on television for something not crime related" would be awesome, at this point in my comedy career it would be sheer dumb luck for that to happen.

  • Write 3 sitcom spec scripts i.e. write a fake episode for a sitcom series in order to show your take on it
  • Write a new 4 minutes I'm not ashamed of every month
  • Start/take part of a sketch group
  • Take an improv class
  • Write something for this blog at least twice a month (The Blind Person's Web Comic seems like a possibility)
  • Write a Cracked.com article (they have a surprisingly open submissions process)
  • 200 Daily jokes (3.8 a week)
  • Watching two movies a month from Bill Hader's list of 200 Movies Every Comedy Writer Should See (and possibly write reviews...)

This list could be setting me up for a very public failure. But one thing I've learned so far in standup is that bombing isn't the worst thing in the world.

The Blind Person's Web Comic #1

Every time we make a scientific discovery, God becomes a little bit smaller. 

10,000 years from now God will be the constant in the equation that ties everything together.

People will memorize this number to 10,000 places.

And we'll have holy wars over what the 10,001st number should be.

Not So Live Stream: Scandal S4 E2

Between relying on Netflix and Hulu to watch shows and just being generally busy people, we don't all have time to catch up on our favorite shows the night they air. Doesn't mean we can't still write about them. Each week-ish I take a show I'm currently watching and give you a play by play as I'm watching the episode for the first time. Starting this off Scandal Season 4 Episode 2 "The State of the Union". Needless to say, spoilers abound!

Scandal S4-02

00:23 - We get it Scott Foley. You’re not this guy any more. No need to keep showing us how buff you are.

00:47 - Jeff Perry is really going for that Best Supporting Actor Emmy this year. I’ve never heard someone describe “vegetarianism” with such anger in his voice (and I watch Parks and Rec).

I hope they keep pushing his vegetarianism all season. Tofu makes you a top level political operative apparently.

03:04 - Oh yeah, Huck and Quinn still have that “we’re going to bang it out for mid-season sweeps” energy coming over from last season.

03:57 - I always love when a Scrubs alum lands on his feet. Excepts it’s been over 10 years since I last saw him and kinda had to scour IMDB for him. Btw, She can walk and he’s faking the POW camp. I’m calling it.

04:43 “I was tortured by the Talibwan”. One of the greatest lines delivered in television history.

06:04 - I could watch an hour of Cyrus Beane and Olivia’s father just chewing scenes and out acting everyone on the show. It’d be the weirdest buddy comedy on air.

06:39 - She don’t give a fuck. I mean brown uggs and gray robe. it’s just going make her coming back as full Mellie that much greater. Like a phoenix passive aggressively rising from ashes.

08:08 Speaking of buddy comedies I’d watch Josh Malina, Scott Foley(stating this now so when Shonda Rhimes spins this off I’m getting paid!).

09:02 More murder tension. The thing with Huck’s face is I can’t tell if he’s trying to emote or if he’s just constantly constipated.

10:40 Hater’s gonna hate. I want her life so badly. Well minus the dead kids, cheating husband, shady father in law…. Ok, I just want her view. She’s also a Scrubs alum!

16:49 Really? At this point you might as well have Fitz on the couch next to a bottle of Jergens. I love Scandal despite the Fitz - Olivia storyline. The amount of narrative juggling an stakes raising required to keep relevant made the reset button at the start of this season necessary.

17:10 Scandal Booty Call! I like how she deflects the whole “I’m not your boyfriend thing”. I think if you get put in a whole and come out looking like a homeless man, you’re allowed to ask to define the terms of the relationship.

Also, Harrison’s not dead (It was obvious enough that didn’t think I needed to say it before). But Shonda Rhimes does not suffer fools . So I’m assuming major facial reconstruction surgery? As long has he stays the best dressed black man on television.

19:20 I’m pretty sure Cyrus planted the domestic abuse thing himself? At this point keeping track of who’s black-mailing who is requires and Josh Malina -esque color coding system.

19:56 Oh right, it was our good friend Harrison. But look at Red, playing the game. She’s the one that leaked this. But this is bush league Scandal.

22:05 You’re really going to leave them alone to bang it out in the bathroom?

22:27 “I pulled your teeth out because you couldn’t mind your own business”. Foreplay gone wrong. Don’t get me wrong you do you, but after a certain point he’s going to pull out enough teeth that you can chew a steak

23:46 Don’t touch him. He’s still in murder-boner mode

24:05 Deus ex Malina. At least Scandal isn’t even trying to pretend anymore.

28:20 That look, “Bitch, I don’t even know your name.” This whole sequence is making me super excited for her Mellie - becoming - Dath Vader moment. You don’t tell Mellie when to be Mellie. These people need to know who they’re talking to.

31:39 “Don’t you think you owe me at least this much?”. Fitz, you are the most powerful man in the world. Find a woman that actually wants to be with you.

34:10 Still not full Mellie. It’s ok. I promise it’ll be worth the wait.

34:51 In all the ups and downs of this season I’ll wait it all out to see how far off the Handle Mellie goes when she finds out the truth about her son.

35:23 “The right to bear arms. Set it stone by the constitution. So was slavery by the way.” Oh shit, I think he just dropped the best gun control line I’ve ever heard. It’s so cute when Scandal tries to do it’s West Wing impression.

37:41 Mellie Grant > Olivia Pope. Bellamy Young has added a depth in to this character that you only see in Olivia Pope’s wine glass.

38:30 She’s got to work off her Fitz-boner. Chances of naked underneath the coat? high 50s.

38:59 If only the Mid-East crisis was as easy to solve as a Scandal Plot line..

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40:36 Male prostitute! How many eps until he’s killed off to hide the secret? I’m giving him 3. he doesn’t have the abs of a regular player. You’re telling us your name as if we’re going to need to learn it. How cute.

42:05 D’uh. Of course Lizzie Bear is behind this. Completely with the realm of Veronica Palmer

Sketch Writing 101

So I've been messing with writing sketches the last couple of months (between taking classes and being part of a group that's writing a new sketch a week). And while it's been fun and I've been learning a lot, it still feels like they're coming off as a giant inside joke to myself.

I got to see one of my sketches on stage for the first time tonight with awesome actors doing a great job with a script they were seeing for the very first time. But I couldn't help but feel "No! That's not how you're supposed to be stabbing yourself in the chest!"

With standup I'm used to having control not just of the writing process and figuring what I'm going to say but on how I say it. The hand gestures, voice volumes, intonations, etc. Writer, performer, and director all get mixed together. And so far when writing sketches I have very specific ways in mind for how lines should be said and how characters are interacting with each other and moving on stage. When I read my sketches I see not just the words on the paper but the stageplay I've been creating in my mind.

It looks like, at least while I'm starting out and not having much control I have to divorce the script from the performance (my inner control freak hates this!). Which actually isn't dissimilar to what I have to do on the first pass of jokes for standup where I have to figure out how to make a situation funny to other people without them needing the implicit contexts in my head. I have to write sketches that can survive without the very specific vision I have for them.

The Mind of A Comedian

Quick Hits:

The people at work find out you do standup and seem wowed by it. Meanwhile, you change the subject as quickly as possible because you're still internally fuming over bombing the night before.

You spend an hour changing the wording/punctuation for a Facebook joke, spend the next day upset its getting no likes. Once it gets traction and one of friends decides to share it you obsesses over why they call you "witty" instead of "funny".